Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Game One

8:02 PM Loving Fox Sports' Star Wars motif. All right, all right! Between the election and the Yankees/Red Sox series, I've got Star Wars on the brain. I'll watch the trilogy this weekend (we have the original, unaltered version on videotape in widescreen--yes, the one where Han Solo shoots first).

Curt Schilling: "I can't think of any scenario more enjoyable than making 55,000 people in New York shut up."

Schilling (my hero, the dude who helped the D'Backs beat the Yanks in 2001 and could've been a Yankee this year but turned away from the Dark Side) vs. Mussina (Public Enemy #1 here in Baltimore)--the matchup Could Not Be Sweeter!

I hate that ever since Fox got the ML Playoffs, the Simpsons Halloween Special has been broadcast after Halloween. It's just wrong. We have all of them except #7 on videotape.

Let's see...what stupid show is Fox going to push on us non-stop throughout the playoffs? Yes, this year it's *My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss*--it's "Joe Millionaire" meets "The Apprentice." Its catch phrase will soon be sweeping the nation: "Get the hell out of my office." I don't think it'll fit on a T-shirt, not without people having to stop you, hold out your arm, squint at your torso, and then ask, "Huh?"

Show #2 we'll be sick of by the end of the World Series: "House, M.D." A smart-ass doctor who bucks the system. Where have we seen that before? MASH, Trapper John, Scrubs, Becker, Gideon's Crossing, okay, I'm bored now.

#3: "The Rebel Billionaire" Don't ask.

How dramatic it all is. Boston vs. New York. The grand rematch. The rivalry of old. So much anger, anguish, bruised feelings, bruised shoulders, black eyes, broken teeth. The two richest, most passionate teams in baseball battle once again.

All for the ultimate prize: the opportunity to get beaten by the St. Louis Cardinals.

8:20 PM Here we go. Johnny Damon up to bat.

Strike one. NOOOO! It's all overrrr!!!! I hate the world. I'm gonna go watch Designer's Challenge.

8:25 PM Okay, I'm back. I forgot the only thing more boring than baseball is Designer's Challenge. It's such a grim show. They somehow manage to find three designers with the personalities of dried kumquats.

Nice first pitch from Schilling. He's got tendonitis in his right ankle. I know how much that hurts. Apparently he got a short-acting anesthetic shot in it right before the game. I know how much THAT hurts.

8:37 PM a scant twelve minutes later, and I can tell you that anesthetic ain't working. Either that or it extended to Schilling's fingers. It's now 2-0, Evil Ones.

I just caught the end of a phrase the commentator said about someone (I believe it was David Ortiz) who "loves to pound that green monster." I know he means he loves hitting home runs over Fenway's high fence, but it sounds like one of those fake innuendos like "whipping the turtle" or "trimming the lobster."

OK, they just commented on Derek Jeter's "calm eyes," and that Mussina must be calmed by those eyes tonight, as he's pitching a great game.

I'm half-expecting all the players to hop in a big hot tub between innings and lather each other up for a new Frankie Goes to Hollywood comeback video.

This home plate umpire is so being paid off by the Yankees. His strike zone is the size of my pinky nail. The pinky nail that just broke. Schilling's in great form now.

9:05 PM I spoke too soon. Bases loaded, no outs. Okay, now it's 5-0, Demon Spawn. God, I hate the Yankees. Not that they care.

I'm sticking with the game, though, no matter how painful. I just might not have anything to say about it.

9:24 PM They keep telling me to grab a cold, fresh Budweiser, but I don't have any. I actually had one last weekend, and it was not bad. It was not good either. It was not anything at all.

9:43 My husband just gave me some incisive analysis: According to his assessment, the Yankees are a bunch of big dumb poopyheads.

10:35 Finally Mr. Perfect starts to choke, about 3 innings after I predicted he would. Boston just scored 3 runs to bring the score to 8-3, Denizens of Hell.

Baby!!!!!! It's a 3-run game, after a two-run HR by Varitek.

Is it me, or does his last name sound like some mysterious "Terminator"-movie-style corporation, the kind that you have no idea what they produce, only that they inhabit the quiet white 8-story building behind the chain-link fence on the outskirts of your town? And they have some equally vague slogan, like:

The future belongs to Varitek.
Varitek: where the future belongs.
Future? You're Varitek's bitch.

And so on.

What? You were expecting complex baseball analysis? Tune in to SportsCenter.

10:51 My husband is giggling himself senseless over Jon Stewart's America: The Book. I gave it to him for his birthday, so I don't get to read it until he's done. Meanwhile I'm reading this book to cheer myself up during the Yankee game. Sigh.

11:05 Ortiz is up with two men on base. Count's 3 and 1. It's one of those few moments in baseball that can genuinely be called exciting.

Whoa, he smacked it! Damn, a few feet away from tying the game, but he hit a triple and scored two guys. It's now, 8-7, Servants of Satan!

11:27 Life is cruel. But I still have hope, even though it's now 10-7, Those Who Shall Not Be Named.

11:40 Tying run at the plate for Boston.

Crap. Oh well, at least it was a good game. No one's feeling smug tonight.


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